I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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