and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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