ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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