I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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