i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
