My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
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I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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