quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
