so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
