No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I have feelings that need drinking.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
