Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
