I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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