Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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