god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
