Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
