I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
