It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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