And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
50% drunk capacity currently
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
