what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
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YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
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If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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