apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
