We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
This toilet bowl is my home.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
