It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Randomize
