I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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