I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
we're making bets on your personal life
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
