My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
