btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
