I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
