In the future we'll all be gay
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
