Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
