oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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