Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
