I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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