did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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