Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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