I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
