I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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