This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
