dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
