I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
