Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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