I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
