My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Randomize
