Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Randomize
