So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
No subtext here. People are naked.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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