I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
