I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
