I wish my penis had an off switch
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
