He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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