I just threw up on my dentist
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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