I think i peed on brittanys purse
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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