Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
