that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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