if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
