Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
