Just fell off a train. Bad.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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