someone threw a dead crab at me
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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