if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
