Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize